~And there on the couch i sat……..

Two weeks ago was my forty-fifth birthday, and I wasn’t feeling Too hot that morning anyway. I went to breakfast knowing my wife Would be pleasant and say ?Happy Birthday ,? And would probably have a present for me.

She didn’t even say ?Good Morning ,? Let alone any ?Happy Birthday.?

I thought, ?Well, that’s wives for you. Maybe the children will remember .? The children came in to breakfast and didn’t say a word.

When I started to the office I was feeling pretty low and despondent. As I walked into my office, my secretary, Janet , said, Good morning boss, Happy Birthday.? So I felt a little better; someone had remembered.

I worked until noon. Then Janet knocked on my door and said,You know, it’s such a beautiful day outside and it’s your birthday, let’s go to lunch, just you and me.? I said, ?By George, that’s the best thing I’ve heard all day. Let’s go.? We went to lunch. We didn’t go where we normally go; We went out into the country to a little private place.

We had two martinis and enjoyed lunch tremendously. On the way back to the office, she said,You know, it’s such a beautiful day. We don’t need to go back to the office, do we?? I said, ?No, I guess not.? She said, ?Let’s go to my apartment.?
After arriving at her apartment she said, ? Boss, if you don’t mind, I think I’ll go into the bedroom and slip into something more comfortable. ? Sure,? I excitedly replied. She went into the bedroom and,

In about six minutes, she came out carrying a big birthday cake, Followed by my wife, children and dozens of our friends. All were singing ? Happy Birthday?

And there on the couch I sat… NAKED.

Impact of Job Change

A taxi passenger tapped the driver on the shoulder to ask him a question. The driver screamed, lost control of the car, nearly hit a bus, went up on the footpath, and stopped few centimeters from a shop window.

For a second everything went quiet in the cab, and then the driver said: “Look mate, don’t ever do that again. You scared the daylights out of me!”.

The passenger apologized and said, “I didn’t realize that a little tap would scare you so much.” The driver replied, “Sorry, it’s not really your fault.

Today is my first day as a cab driver – I’ve been driving a van carrying dead Bodies for the last 25 years…

Someone Owes U?

A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower, when the doorbell rings. The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs. When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next-door neighbour.

Before she says a word, Bob says, ‘I’ll give you $800 to drop that towel
‘After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands n-a-k-e-d in front of Bob After a few seconds, Bob hands her $800 and leaves.

The woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back upstairs. When she gets to the bathroom, her husband asks, ‘Who was that?’ ‘It was Bob the next door neighbour,’ she replies

‘Great!’ the husband says, ‘did he say anything about the $800 he owes me?’

Moral of the story
If you share critical information pertaining to credit and risk with your shareholders in time, you may be in a position to prevent avoidable exposure.

Big John!

One fine day, a bus driver went to the bus garage, started his bus,  and drove off along the route. No problems for the first few stops – a few people got on, a few got off, and things went generally well.

At the next stop, however, a big hulk of a guy got on. Six feet eight,built like a wrestler, arms hanging down to the ground. He glared at the driver and said, “Big John doesn’t pay!” and sat down at the back.

Did I mention that the driver was five feet three, thin, and basically meek? Well, he was. Naturally, he didn’t argue with Big John, but he wasn’t happy about it.

The next day the same thing happened – Big John got on again, made a show of refusing to pay, and sat down. And the next day, and the next.
This grated on the bus driver, who started losing sleep over the way Big John was taking advantage of him. Finally he could stand it no longer. He signed up for body building courses, karate, judo, and all that good stuff.

By the end of the summer, he had become quite strong; what’s more, he felt really good about himself. So on the next Monday, when Big John once again got on the bus and said, “Big John doesn’t pay!”

The driver stood up, glared back at the passenger, and screamed,

“And why not? “

With a surprised look on his face, Big John replied, “Big John has a bus pass .”

Management Lesson: “Be sure there is a problem in the first place before working hard to solve one.”

Let The Boss Say First

A sales rep, an administration clerk, and the manager are walking to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp. They rub it and a Genie comes out.

The Genie says, ‘I’ll give each of you just one wish’.

Me first! Me first!’ says the admin clerk. ‘I want to be in the Bahamas , driving a speedboat, without a care in the world.’ Puff! She’s gone.

‘Me next! Me next!’ says the sales rep. ‘I want to be in Hawaii ,relaxing on the beach with my personal mass-euse, an endless supply of Pina Coladas and the love of my life.’  Puff! He’s gone.

‘OK, you’re up,’ the Genie says to the manager. The manager says,

‘I want those two back in the office after lunch.’

Moral of the story: Always let your boss have the first say.

S.H.I.T again

A little bird was flying south for the Winter. It was so cold the bird froze and fell to the ground into a large field. While he was lying there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on him. As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung, he began to realize how warm he was. The dung was actually thawing him out! He lay there all warm and happy, and soon began to sing for joy.

A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate.

Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile of cow dung, and promptly dug him out and ate him.

Morals of the story:

(1)  Not everyone who s-h-i-t-s on you is your enemy.
(2)  Not everyone who gets you out of s-h-i-t is your friend.
(3)  And when you’re in deep s-h-i-t, it’s best to keep your mouth shut!

The Golden Eagle

A man found an eagle’s egg and put it in the nest of a backyard hen. The eaglet hatched with the brood of chicks and grew up with them.
All his life the eagle did what the backyard chickens did, thinking he was a backyard chicken. He scratched the earth for worms and insects. He clucked and cackled. And he would thrash his wings and fly a few feet into the air.

Years passed and the eagle grew very old. One day he saw a magnificent bird far above him in the cloudless sky. It glided in graceful majesty among the powerful wind currents, with scarcely a beat of its strong golden wings. The old eagle looked up in awe.

“Who’s that?” he asked.

“That’s the eagle, the king of the birds,” said his neighbor. “He belongs to the sky. We belong to the earth–we’re chickens.”

So the eagle lived and died a chicken, for that’s what he thought he was!

::::::Cracked Pot::::::

An elderly Chinese woman had two large pots, each hung on the ends of a pole, which she carried across her neck. One of the pots had a crack in it while the other pot was perfect and always delivered a full portion of water, at the end of the long walk from the stream to the house, the cracked pot arrived only half full.

For a full two years this went on daily, with the woman bringing home only one and a half pots of water. Of course, the perfect pot was proud of its accomplishments. But the poor cracked pot was ashamed of its own imperfection, and miserable that it could only do half of what it had been made to do.

After 2 years of what it perceived to be bitter failure, it spoke to the woman one day by the stream.
“I am ashamed of myself, because this crack in my side causes water to leak out all the way back to your house.”
The old woman smiled,
“Did you notice that there are flowers on your side of the path, but not on the other pot’s side? That’s because I have always known about your flaw, so I planted flower seeds on your side of the path, and every day while we walk back, you water them. For two years I have been able to pick these beautiful flowers to decorate the table. Without you being just the way you are, there would not be this beauty to grace the house.”

Each of us has our own unique flaw. But it’s the cracks and flaws we each have that make our lives together so very interesting and rewarding. You’ve just got to take each person for what they are and look for the good in them.

Two Horses

Just up the road from my home is a field, with two horses in it. From a distance, each looks like every other horse. But if you stop your car, or are walking by, you will notice something quite amazing.

Looking into the eyes of one horse will disclose that he is blind. His owner has chosen not to have him put down, but has made a good home for him. This alone is amazing.

If nearby and listening, you will hear the sound of a bell. Looking around for the source of the sound, you will see that it comes from the smaller horse in the field. Attached to her halter is a small bell. It lets her blind friend know where she is, so he can follow her. As you stand and watch these two friends, you’ll see how she is always checking on him, and that he will listen for her bell and then slowly walk to where she is, trusting that she will not lead him astray. When she returns to the shelter of the barn each evening, she stops occasionally and looks back, making sure her friend isn’t too far behind to hear the bell.

Like the owners of these two horses, God does not throw us away just
because we are not perfect or because we have problems or challenges. He watches over us and even brings others into our lives to help us when we are in need.

Sometimes we are the blind horse being guided by the little ringing bell
of those who God places in our lives. Other times we are the guide horse, helping others see.

Good friends are like this……….You don’t always see them, but you
know they are always there.

Please listen for my bell and I’ll listen for yours.

“Be kinder than necessary, for everyone you meet is fighting some kind of battle”

Best Court Case (Insurance Policy)

THIS IS THE BEST LAWYER STORY OF THE YEAR, DECADE AND PROBABLY THE CENTURY.

A Charlotte, NC lawyer purchased a box of very rare and expensive cigars, then insured them against fire, among other things. Within a month, having smoked his entire stockpile of these great cigars and without yet having made even his first premium payment on the policy, the lawyer filed claim against the insurance company. In his claim, the lawyer stated the cigars were lost “in a series of small fires.” The insurance company refused to pay, citing the obvious reason that the man had consumed the cigars in the normal fashion. The lawyer sued… and WON!

(Stay with me.)

In delivering the ruling, the judge agreed with the insurance company that the claim was frivolous. The judge stated nevertheless, that the lawyer “held a policy from the company in which it had warranted that the cigars were insurable and also guaranteed that it would insure them against fire, without defining what is considered to be unacceptable fire” and was obligated to pay the claim. Rather than endure lengthy and costly appeal process, the insurance company accepted the ruling and paid $15,000 to the lawyer for his loss of the rare cigars lost in the “fires.”

NOW FOR THE BEST PART…

After the lawyer cashed the check, the insurance company had him arrested on 24 counts of ARSON!!! With his own insurance claim and testimony from the previous case being used against him, the lawyer was convicted of intentionally burning his insured property and was sentenced to 24 months in jail and a $24,000 fine.

This is a true story and was the First Place winner in the recent Criminal Lawyers Award Contest.