!~@Priceless!@~

A husband wakes up with a huge hangover the night after a business function. He forces himself to open his eyes and the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins next to a glass of water on the side table. And, next to them, a single red rose! The husband sits up in bed and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed. He looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order, spotlessly clean. So is the rest of the house. He takes the aspirins, cringes when he sees a huge black eye staring back at him in the bathroom mirror and notices a note on the table:

Honey, breakfast is on the stove, I left early to go shopping Love you!

He stumbles to the kitchen and sure enough, there is hot breakfast and the morning newspaper. His son is also at the table, eating.

The husband asks: Son . . . what happened last night??

Son: Well, you came home after 3 am , drunk and out of your mind. You broke the coffee table, puked in the hallway and got that black eye when you ran into the door.?

The husband asks: Huh?! So, why is everything in such perfect order, so clean, I have a rose and breakfast is on the table waiting for me??

His son replies: Oh, THAT? Mom dragged you to the bedroom and when she tried to take your pants off, you screamed, Leave me alone, bitch! I’m married!??

Broken table–$200

Hot breakfast–$5

Red rose bud–$3

Two aspirins–$.25

Saying the right thing, at the right time . . . PRICELESS!

My cooperative wife!

A man who is driving a car is stopped by a police officer.

The Officer: “You were going at least 75 km/hr in a 55 zone.”

Man: “No sir, I was going 60.”

Wife: “Oh, Harry. You were going 80.”

Officer: “I’m also going to give you a ticket for your broken tail light.”

Man: “Broken tail light? I didn’t know about a broken tail light!”

Wife: “Oh Harry, you’ve known about that tail light for weeks.”

Officer: “I’m also going to give you a citation for not wearing your seat belt.”

Man: “Oh, I just took it off when you were walking up to the car.”

Wife: “Oh, Harry, you never wear your seat belt.”

Man turns to his wife and yells: “Shut your mouth!”

Officer turns to the woman and asks, “Ma’am, does your husband talk to you this way all the time?”

Wife: “No, only when he’s drunk.”

Branded statements….. Getting caught is the mother of all the inventions.

Explaination

Young David came home from school one day and found his pet chicken laying on the ground with his legs pointing straight up into the sky. When his father got home, he explained that the chicken has died and his legs were pointed up to Jesus in heaven.

They buried the chicken and that was that. Two weeks later his dad came Home from work and David ran up to him yelling,
“Daddy, Daddy, we nearly lost Mommy today.”

“What?” his father replied.

“When I got home from school, Mommy was laying on the bed with her legs pointing up in the air yelling, ‘Jesus, I’m coming, Jesus I’m coming.’ If it wasn’t for Uncle Terry holding her down we would have lost her for sure!”

Can You Hear?

A man feared his wife wasn’t hearing as well as she used to and he
thought she might need a hearing aid. Not quite sure how to approach
her, he called the family Doctor to discuss the problem. The Doctor
told him there is a simple informal test the husband could perform to
give the Doctor a better idea about her hearing loss.

Here’s what you do,” said the Doctor, “stand about 40 feet away from
her, and in a normal conversational speaking tone see if she hears you.
If not, go to 30 feet, then 20 feet, and s o on until you get a response.”

That evening, the wife is in the kitchen cooking dinner, and he was
in the den. He says to himself, “I’m about 40 feet away, let’s see
what happens.”

Then in a normal tone he asks, ‘Honey, what’s for dinner?”
No response.

So the husband moves to closer to the kitchen, about 30 feet from his
wife and repeats, “Honey, what’s for dinner?”
Still no response.

Next he moves into the dining room where he is about 20 feet from his wife and asks, Honey, what’s for dinner?”
Again he gets no response so,

He walks up to the kitchen door, about 10 feet away. “Honey, what’s
for dinner?”
Again there is no response.

So he walks right up behind her. “Honey, what’s for dinner?”
;

;

;

;

;

;

;

;

;

;

;

;

;

;

;

;

“James, for the FIFTH time I’ve said, CHICKEN!”

Moral of the story:

The problem may not be with the other one as we always think, could be very much within us..!

~And there on the couch i sat……..

Two weeks ago was my forty-fifth birthday, and I wasn’t feeling Too hot that morning anyway. I went to breakfast knowing my wife Would be pleasant and say ?Happy Birthday ,? And would probably have a present for me.

She didn’t even say ?Good Morning ,? Let alone any ?Happy Birthday.?

I thought, ?Well, that’s wives for you. Maybe the children will remember .? The children came in to breakfast and didn’t say a word.

When I started to the office I was feeling pretty low and despondent. As I walked into my office, my secretary, Janet , said, Good morning boss, Happy Birthday.? So I felt a little better; someone had remembered.

I worked until noon. Then Janet knocked on my door and said,You know, it’s such a beautiful day outside and it’s your birthday, let’s go to lunch, just you and me.? I said, ?By George, that’s the best thing I’ve heard all day. Let’s go.? We went to lunch. We didn’t go where we normally go; We went out into the country to a little private place.

We had two martinis and enjoyed lunch tremendously. On the way back to the office, she said,You know, it’s such a beautiful day. We don’t need to go back to the office, do we?? I said, ?No, I guess not.? She said, ?Let’s go to my apartment.?
After arriving at her apartment she said, ? Boss, if you don’t mind, I think I’ll go into the bedroom and slip into something more comfortable. ? Sure,? I excitedly replied. She went into the bedroom and,

In about six minutes, she came out carrying a big birthday cake, Followed by my wife, children and dozens of our friends. All were singing ? Happy Birthday?

And there on the couch I sat… NAKED.

Someone Owes U?

A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower, when the doorbell rings. The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs. When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next-door neighbour.

Before she says a word, Bob says, ‘I’ll give you $800 to drop that towel
‘After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands n-a-k-e-d in front of Bob After a few seconds, Bob hands her $800 and leaves.

The woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back upstairs. When she gets to the bathroom, her husband asks, ‘Who was that?’ ‘It was Bob the next door neighbour,’ she replies

‘Great!’ the husband says, ‘did he say anything about the $800 he owes me?’

Moral of the story
If you share critical information pertaining to credit and risk with your shareholders in time, you may be in a position to prevent avoidable exposure.

@~!Birth Explained!~@

A little boy goes to his father and asks “Daddy, how was I born?”

The father answers: “Well son, I guess one day you will need to find out anyway! Your Mom and I first got together in a chat room on Yahoo. Then I set up a date via e-mail with your Mom and we met at a cyber-cafe. We sneaked into a secluded room, where your mother agreed to a download from my hard drive. As soon as I was ready to upload, we discovered that neither one of us had used a firewall, and since it was too late to hit the delete button, nine months later a little Pop-Up appeared that said:

Scroll down…You’ll love this… .
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‘You got Male!’

What Makes A perfect Partner..

Someone who knows what you need before you say it.

Someone who knows when to laugh and when to cry.

Someone who truly listens when you have something to say.

Someone that’s there for you during the good and bad times.

Someone who is caring .

Someone who loves you with all their heart and soul.

Someone who is interested in reality and not as a fashion display.

Someone who is honest.

Someone you can trust them like a sibling, confide in like a friend but most of all, love as the great lover they are.

Someone who is open and responsive.

Someone who is never critical and ill-tempered in respect to your needs.

Someone who knows when things have to be compromised in the relationship.

Someone who understands listening is a key, but using what is heard is even more important.

Someone who’s there for you no matter what.

Someone who is trustful.

Someone who is a friend.

Someone who gives a shoulder to cry on.

Someone with a great sense of humour.

Someone who has things in common with you.

Someone who takes time to listen and enjoy you for who you are and tries not to make you something else.

Someone with a constant open ear, open heart, and open mind to accept and love people for who the really are.

Someone who will always be there to support your ideas without argument and love you for everything that you are.

Someone that can get a point across without yelling.

Someone that remembers all the cute stupid stuff you love.

Someone that has a personality with qualities you don’t have yourself, but admire greatly in them.

Someone who realizes you’re two separate people, and appreciates the differences.

Someone who can sense a mood problem, and not take it personally.

Someone who understands the difference between PMS, and a real problem.

Someone who can make you happy when your sad.

Someone who tells you the truth even if you don’t want to hear it.

Someone who will not hurt you intentionally.

Someone who is a sweet, romantic person who cherishes you no matter what.

Someone that you can laugh with.

Someone who you can feel comfortable with and that you don’t care what kind of weird stuff they see you do because you know they will still love you no matter what.

Someone who will love you in spite of your little idiosyncrasies.

Someone that would do anything to show how much they care.

Someone who is a great pal, a great kisser, and a great lover!

Someone who allows you to be yourself around them.

Someone who will respect you.

Someone who cherishes your hopes and is kind to your dreams.

Someone who knows you’re not perfect, but treats you as though you are.

Someone who listens with their heart and is your source of inspiration

Common Problem

Eight-year-old Sally brought her report card home from school. Her marks were good…mostly A’s and a couple of B’s.

However, her teacher had written across the bottom: ‘Sally is a smart little girl, but she has one fault. She talks too much in school. I have an idea I am going to try, which I think may break her of the habit.’

Sally’s dad signed her report card, putting a note on the back: ‘Please let me know if your idea works on Sally because I would like to try it out on her mother.’

A woman wanted to reach her husband on his mobile phone but discovered that she was out of credit; she instructed her son – to use his own phone to pass across an urgent message to daddy who is at site.

After junior had called, he got back to mummy to inform her that it was a lady that picked up daddy’s phone the three times he tried reaching dad on the mobile.

She waited impatiently for her husband to return from site, immediately she sighted him, she gave him a very hot slap, while the man was trying to ask why?

She repeated the slap, people from neighborhood rushed around to know the cause of this.

The man asked junior to tell everybody what the lady said to him when he called, Junior said “the number u are trying to call is not reachable“.