Naughty Answers!

Man comes home, finds his wife with his friend in bed. He shoots his friend and kills him. Wife says :

“If you behave like this, you will lose ALL your friends”.
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What is the definition of Mistress?
Someone between the Mister and Mattress
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Husband asks: “Do u know that the meaning of WIFE is:
W ithout
I nformation
F ighting
E very-time

Wife replies: ” No,……
It means:
W ith
I diot
F or
E ver !!!”
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What’s the difference between stress, tension and panic?

Stress is when wife is pregnant,… Tension is when girlfriend is pregnant.

Panic is when both are pregnant.
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Grammar Teacher: Do you know the importance of a period?
Kid: Yeah, once my sister said she has missed one, my mom fainted, dad got a heart attack & our driver ran away.
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A young boy asks his Dad :”What is the difference between confident and confidential?
Dad says: “You are my son, I’m confident about that. Your friend over there, is also my son, THAT is confidential.

Don’t take it seriously when…

When the DOCTOR says, Take off your clothes.
………………….

When the DENTIST says, Open wide.
…………………..

When the HAIRDRESSER says, Do you want it teased or blown?
…………………..

When the MILKMAN says, Do you want it in the front or the back?
…………………..

When the INTERIOR DECORATOR says, Once it’s in, you’ll love it.
…………………..

When the SHARE BROKER says, It will rise right up, fluctuate for a  while and then slowly fall back again.
…………………..

When the BANKER says, If you take it out too soon, you’ll lose interest .

………………….

When the HUNTER says, Goes deep in the bush, shoots twice and  always eats what he shoots.
…………………..

When the TELEPHONE GUY says, Would you like it On the table or  against the wall?

The Golden Eagle

A man found an eagle’s egg and put it in the nest of a backyard hen. The eaglet hatched with the brood of chicks and grew up with them.
All his life the eagle did what the backyard chickens did, thinking he was a backyard chicken. He scratched the earth for worms and insects. He clucked and cackled. And he would thrash his wings and fly a few feet into the air.

Years passed and the eagle grew very old. One day he saw a magnificent bird far above him in the cloudless sky. It glided in graceful majesty among the powerful wind currents, with scarcely a beat of its strong golden wings. The old eagle looked up in awe.

“Who’s that?” he asked.

“That’s the eagle, the king of the birds,” said his neighbor. “He belongs to the sky. We belong to the earth–we’re chickens.”

So the eagle lived and died a chicken, for that’s what he thought he was!

Don’t copy if you can’t paste

A well-known motivational speaker gathering the entire crowd’s attention, said, “The best years of my life were spent in the arms of a woman who wasn’t my wife !”

The crowd was shocked!!!!!!!!

He followed up by saying, “That woman was my mother!”

The crowd burst into laughter and he gave his speech, which was well received.

About a week later, one of the top managers who had the training decided to use that joke at his house. He tried to rehearse the joke in his head. It was a bit foggy to him.

He said loudly, “The greatest years of my life were spent in the arms of a woman who was not my wife!”

Naturally, his wife was shell shocked, murmuring.

After standing there for almost 10 seconds trying to recall the second half of the joke, the manager finally blurted out “… and I can’t remember who she was !”

As expected, he got thrashing of his life time….

Moral of the story: Don’t copy if you can’t paste

 

Wud U ask for…….?

A little boy came down for breakfast one morning and asked his grandma, “Where`s Mom and dad?”

and she replied, “they`re up in bed.”

The little boy started to giggle and ate his breakfast and went out to play. Then he came back in for lunch and asked his grandma “where`s Mom and Dad?”

and she replied “they`re still up in bed.”

Again the little boy started to giggle and he ate his lunch and went out to play. Then the little boy came in for dinner and once again he asked his grandma “where`s Mom and dad?”

and his grandmother replied “they`re still up in bed.”

The little boy started to laugh and his grandmother asked, “whats so funny? Every time I tell you they`re still up in bed you start to laugh! what is going on here?”

The little boy replied, “well last night daddy came into my bedroom and asked me for the Vaseline and I gave him super glue.”

Weight Loss Program

A GUY CALLS A COMPANY AND ORDERS THEIR 5 DAY,10 LB WEIGHT LOSS PROGRAM.

THE NEXT DAY THEIR IS A KNOCK ON THE DOOR AND STANDING THEIR IS A VOLUPTUOUS,ATHLETIC BABE DRESSED IN NOTHING BUT A PAIR OF NIKE SHOES AND A SIGN TIED AROUND HER NECK.SHE INTRODUCES HERSELF AS A REPRESENTATIVE OF THE WEIGHT LOSS COMPANY.

THE SIGN SAYS, “IF YOU CAN CATCH ME YOU CAN HAVE ME”.

WITHOUT A SECOND THOUGHT HE TAKES OFF AFTER HER,A FEW MILES LATER HUFFING AND PUFFING HE FINALLY CATCHES HER.THE SAME GIRL SHOWS UP FOR THE NEXT FOUR DAYS AND THE SAME THING HAPPENS.

ON THE FIFTH DAY HE WEIGHS HIMSELF AND FINDS THAT HE HAS LOST 10 LBS AS PROMISED.

HE THEN CALLS THE COMPANY AND ORDERS THEIR 5 DAY/20 LB PROGRAM.THE NEXT DAY THEIRS A KNOCK AT THE DOOR AN HE FINDS THE MOST STUNNING,SEXY WOMAN HE HAS EVER SEEN IN HIS LIFE.

SHE IS WEARING NOTHING BUT REEBOK RUNNING SHOES AND A SIGH AROUND HER NECK,”IF YOU CATCH ME YOU CAN HAVE ME”.THE GIRL IS IN EXCELLENT SHAPES BUT HE FINALLY CATCHES HER,AND WHEN HE DOES IT IS WORTH EVERY MUSCLE CRAMP AND WHEEZE.SO FOR THE NEXT FOUR DAYS,THE SAME ROUTINE HAPPENS.

ON THE FIFTH DAY HE IS DELIGHTED TO KNOW HES LOST ANOTHER 20 LBS.

HE DECIDES TO GO FOR BROKE AND CALLS THE COMPANY TO ORDER THE 7DAY/50 POUND PROGRAM.”ARE YOU SURE?”ASKS THE REPRESENTATIVE ON THE PHONE,”THIS IS OUR MOST RIGOROUS PROGRAM”:

:ABSOLUTELY,”HE REPLIES,”I HAVEN’T FELT THIS GOOD IN YEARS”;

THE NEXT DAY THERES A KNOCK AT THE DOOR AND HE RUNS LIKE HELL TO OPEN THE DOOR.WHEN HE OPENS IT HE FINDS THIS HUGE MUSCULAR,7FT MAN STANDING THERE WEARING NOTHING BUT PINK RUNNING SHOES AND A SIGN AROUND HEI NECK THAT READS:

“I’M FRANCIS . IF I CATCH YOU,YOUR’E MINE”.